Why can't time slow down?

4 years ago today (at 3:21 pm to be exact) I gave birth to my last baby! Time seems to fly & it's so hard to believe that it's been 4 years all ready. That screaming, unhappy, non sleeping child has grown into an unbelievably active, sweet, moody, crazy, wouldn't change a minute of it 4 year old!

This time of year is so hard for me....no matter how hard I fight it, it always seems to creep in, the sadness, the depression & noone understands. I don't really expect anyone to, but it just sucks. I get tired of hearing, what's wrong? It's ok, it was 4 years ago, etc. I try to be happy and yesterday I thought I'd be fine. I fought it all day & was good. I was fine all morning & around 1 pm the tears started. I hate it! I wish I could wipe it out of my subconscious.

I am so happy to be celebrating Callee's 4th birthday instead of the anniversary of her death. I am excited that she hasn't had issues from being a preemie so why can't my mind be happy too? I hate, hate, hate it!

So tonight we will go to Mike's graduation & have dinner. I will be happy to see a child smiling back at me instead of wondering what she'd be like. I will not get upset because she didn't sit still, be quiet or finish her dinner. Instead I will be thanking God for every minute I've gotten to spend with this child, but deep inside I will be fighting off the sadness & tears. I hope they stay away & it can be a happy day for Mike & Callee.

If you all have a minute say a prayer for me because I really just want Callee's birthday to start being a happy occasion that I don't have to fight tears & put on a smile when I really want to lay in bed all day & cry! She deserves the same happy celebration her sister gets year after year & I am determined to make it that way one of these years! Sooner would be better!