Thursday, June 18, 2009

Thursday 13...13 reasons to fight for it

Here are my 13 reasons to keep fighting and not let it go yet. Who knows what the future holds (okay I know God knows, but I'm talking about us or anyone involved or reading this), but I'm not willing or ready to let go yet.

13. We have two kids - I am going to make sure that if we do end up divorced I can proudly say I tried everything possible and didn't stop fighting just because. I want them to know that we fought for it and made every's the same if we make it. I want them to know there are things in life worth fighting for and some of the best things you do have to fight for.

12. We have all ready come so far. It has been 3 1/2 years and a lot of those years and/or months have been good. We need to figure out how to get back to the good. I wrote him an e-mail today that is either going make or break us...waiting now to see which one it is.

11. I have always said that when I get married it is for life and divorce was not an option...I didn't forsee this all happening, but I am going to try my hardest to keep my promise to myself.

10. All of our issues can be fixed with a lot of hard work. I'm not sure right now if they will be fixed, but I don't think it's right to see a solution and not at least attempt to work towards it.

9. He is a great father and my girls deserve to have him around. They did not ask to be brought into this situation and I will not keep them in it if it doesn't get better, but they certainly don't deserve to have all that they know ripped away because two adults were too childish to put in the work and effort that needed to be.

8. I need to work on trusting him again. Yes, I need for him to start doing his part by coming home when he says he is and keeping promises he makes, but when he does do that stuff, I need to not only acknowledge it aloud to him, but also realize it for myself and know that it is a step in the right direction instead of waiting for the other shoe to drop.

7. The divorce rate in our society is alarmingly high and I do not want our marriage to be another statistic.

6. My heart isn't ready to let go.

5. I need to tear down the wall that was set in stone 3 1/2 years ago so we can move on. It was there before and then I decided to trust him 100% and tear it down. The materials were sitting there in case it ever needed to be put back up and when he broke my heart I rebuilt it. I need to figure out how to take it down again...any suggestions?

4. I am going to figure out how to do number 5 if it kills me.

3. I know that I love Mike more than I've ever loved anyone else. I think love is a great point to start rebuilding, but the moving forward is the hardest part. It all comes back to that stupid wall.

2. I don't want someone else to have my happy ending with him. Why did I have to go through all of this fight tooth and nail to let it go in the end? Someone else would be lucky to have him if he doesn't cheat and matures a little and I'm going to make sure that I try my hardest to have a happy ending. If it doesn't happen then I'll know he didn't want the happy ending with me. Yes it will hurt a lot, but I will know there was nothing else I could've done.

1. And the number one reason is....I made a commitment in front of family, friends and God to be with him until we are seperated by death. I will do all that I can to honor that commitment. It does say in the bible:

'Some Pharisees came to him to test him. They asked, "Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason?" "Haven't you read," he replied, "that at the beginning the Creator 'made them male and female,'and said, 'For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh'? So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate." "Why then," they asked, "did Moses command that a man give his wife a certificate of divorce and send her away?" Jesus replied, "Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning. I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery." The disciples said to him, "If this is the situation between a husband and wife, it is better not to marry." Jesus replied, "Not everyone can accept this word, but only those to whom it has been given. For some are eunuchs because they were born that way; others were made that way by men; and others have renounced marriage because of the kingdom of heaven. The one who can accept this should accept it." Matthew 19:3 - 12

Yes, I could walk away by biblical standards, but I still want to honor that commitment even though there was wrong doing and broken hearts. I need to work on me to fix this as much as he needs to work on him. I hope we both can do this and move on.


Kristi said...

Oh Courtney, I can feel your pain through this post. I am crying with you. I wish you didn't have to feel this pain. I will continue to pray for whatever the best outcome will be.

AZMom said...

You're doing the best you can. You are trying and as long as he continues to try with you, then you WILL make it. I know how hard this is but I also know you are a strong woman. Continue to work on you because at the end of the day, you are the one that has to be okay with you first...then you can work on you and Mike. You are doing a great job and I am very proud of you.

As for the wall, it is hard. Tear it down brick by brick but don't be too fast or it will all come tumbling down on you. To do this, give Mike little chances to prove you can trust him...say he will be home at 8pm..he should be home at 8pm. Asked if he talked to Ashley and he says yes and tells you what they talked about. Little steps..don't expect it all to be fixed overnight. I know you don't think it will but I am just reminding you.

Big hugs!

Angela said...

Oh I am so sorry you are going through all this.

I will be thinking of you.

Courtney said...

Thanks for the encouraging words guys. You have no idea how much they help. I am working on a post now about our big breakthrough we had last night.

Kellan said...

Hi Courtney -

I'm so sorry you are going through this difficult time and I think you have listed a lot of good reasons to keep fighting for your marriage. I will keep you in my prayers and I certainly hope that you guys find a way to work everything out and you find the happiness I know you are searching for and deserve.

Take care - Kellan