Friday, September 12, 2008

Knee frustrations

I have written about the car accident and having Callee on here before. It's been a while, but a lot of my frustration that doesn't deal with my kids right now is my knee that I've all ready had two surgeries on. The first surgery was to repair a torn quadricept tendon and the second was to scrape and smooth out some torn, cracked and bruised cartilage behind my knee cap. It couldn't all be removed because then I would have been left with no cartilage and that would be very painful and no fun. The first surgery took place in August of 2006 when Callee was 6 weeks old and they had to cut me for this surgery, I have the (sarcastic tone used) pretty scar to prove it and everything, but the second surgery was much less intrusive (thankfully) and was done arthoscopically in May of 2007.

When he completed the second surgery the doctor warned us that it was worse than he originally thought and that this was just a temporary fix. I would eventually need a total knee replacement, but considering I was only 25 at the time they definitely didn't want to do it any time soon. Well over the last year things have gone well from that surgery. I was able to do a few walking work out programs (I'll most likely never be able to run or jump again, but for a while even walking was very painful), I had taken off most of the weight I wanted to and I had a lot more mobility in that knee. In the last month, I can feel my cartilage catching and scraping on the back of my knee again (which is not only painful, but a really gross sound and feeling), I have become laxed in my workouts over the last 5 months (not from the knee but because I got lazy this will be important later though) and I am in almost constant pain again. I need to go back and have another surgery to clean and smooth out the damage, but I can't take time off work until the end of December and for those of you that live in OH you can imagine how the cold winter affects my arthritis infested knee.

So I have been frustrated lately because I have been living in constant pain again for the past month - 6 weeks. This makes me a little irritable and because I am not superwoman I tend to let it affect my patience with my kids. I know this is not fair to them in any way, I admit this so do not attack me please. If you are visiting then you don't know me and if you read often you know I do love my children incalculably. Also, if you have never had to live with anything like this, count your blessings because it is harder than you ever can imagine.

So last night after the girls went to bed I got out our little exercise thing (kinda like a ski machine, but not really a ski machine.) I love it because it isn't too hard on your joints and I can do it while I watch TV (the shows I DVR'd) so I don't usually notice how long I've been going for. Well about ten minutes into my workout (I was hoping maybe this would strengthen my knee because along with the pain the cartilage causes, it also gets weaker and starts giving out which means I fall - A LOT!) my knee started feeling really weak. I wanted to push through it and did for about 10 more minutes and my knee started throbbing. Seriously, who can only walk for 20 minutes? How frustrating.

I am by no means overweight for my height, but I have 7 more pounds I want to lose. This may not seem like a big deal to most people, but I have been stuck at my current weight for 8 months. I watch what I eat (most of the time), eat healthy portions, etc., but I just can't seem to shake 7 pounds. I know that I am not overweight, but I feel like a fat cow. It grosses me out when I see myself naked and often I think, "There is no way Mike can like what he sees, he just doesn't want to tell me." I need to get a healthier self image, I know, but I think that will come if I can work out and at least tone. It did last time I was working out and weighed this much. I can't though if my stupid knee is going to be weak and I am going to be in more pain from it. Do you see this vicious miserable circle I am in? I am keeping myself up at night thinking about this and as of Monday night am now having nightmares. I need it to stop before I end up falling into a deep depression and ruining my kids' self image by mocking mine or emotionally abusing them (which I'm not convinced I'm not all ready doing.)

There are some days I want to scream and today is one of them. Sorry about the randomness of this post and the complaining, but that is one of the big things on my mind right now and I literally think about it all.the.time! I drive myself crazy.

As a side, go to the bottom and click on "follow my blog". It will help me to know who is reading and who knows, maybe it will have other people clicking on you to visit as well.


Stephanie said...

It's a whole lot easier to say you are going to stop yourself before you fall into depression than to actually do it. But you are a step ahead of so many. Do something good for yourself. When I'm feeling yucky (and I know what you mean, because I only have about 7 or 8 lbs to lose too), I put one something I feel good in and go do something. Or if all else fails....I shop! :)

AZMom said...

Courtney, my husband has had 2 knee surgeries on one knee and 1 on the other and has also been told a knee replacement is in his future. He is in constant pain too and finally had to start taking anti-d's because it was effecting his moods and making him angry and hard to live with. I'm not saying you have gone that far but wanted you to know you aren't alone in it.

At least you recognize your feelings and are doing what you can but don't be afraid to ask for medical help if you need it. As always, you know I am here for you no matter what. Email me if you need to.

Sending big huge cyber hugs!!!

KC said...

I'm so sorry you are in so much pain.. I know living in pain doesn't do anything for your family. ((((((HUGS))))))))
I'll keep ya in my prayers.

Angela said...

That must be painful. I will hope for a warm winter for you.
I feel for you and know it is hard to be nice when I feel crappy too.

Shana said...

First off, I hope that Angela's hopefulness!!! (Winter Bites)

I wish that I had words to take the pain, both physical and mental, away. But as you know I don't, but you will be in my prayers. God CAN help you in EVERY situation!!!

My Wonderful Men said...

It so hard when you are in pain to function. Pain causes depression too. It's understandable why you feel the way you feel.

I understand what you are going through if you ever need to talk please email me. I've been going through a hard time too with my head and neck from my accident, I feel your pain. I went through so many surgeries and still need more too. I will keep you in prayer because I know that it has to be so hard with little ones. My son is older, he's able to care for himself at times. Many prayers for you to have relief sweetie. You are so young and that makes it even more difficult.

Many thoughts and prayers your way.

Kellan said...

I'm sorry you are having so much pain with your knee - ouch! I have problems with my right knee that flair up now and again, but not as serious as yours. I know it's not easy when you are not feeling well and have kids and the other stresses in life - it is not easy! Take care and just keep as positive as you can - Kellan

OHmommy said...

Oh Courtney, I am sorry to hear that you are in pain. I have horrible back pain (from a car accident) and understand. Completely.