Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Trusting and relinquishing control aren't the easiest things

Sometimes trust isn't easy in the beginning, middle or end. When it's broken it's even harder. Sometimes though, you get a slap in the face and realize you need to trust, realize you can't control some things and do your best. The last sentence is where I am at. Thursday night I got a huge slap in the face that I'm not going into detail about, but let me say it's what I needed.

I have come to the realization that even though someone breaks your trust once, it doesn't necessarily mean they'll do it again. When they are trying everything in their power to show you this, sometimes you have to give the benefit of the doubt and let your fears and worries go; sometimes (okay most times) that is the hardest part.

I have decided that their is nothing I can do or say to stop some people from hurting or not hurting me (unless it's physical, which it is not.) I can decide to trust and give the relationship or friendship my all or I can continue to have a wall and be reserved, which eventually will probably ruin the relationship or friendship over time anyways.

Do I want to look back and realize if I would have just let go and trusted and loved I could've been happy or do I want to try now and be happy, knowing God has a plan and will hold me in his hands no matter the outcome if I let him? I choose to tear down my wall, give the benefit of the doubt and know that my God would never fail me in any situation, even though sometimes it seems so unfair and hurts so bad.

I have always believed everything happens for a reason and that God does not "punish" his children. Sometimes it's hard to see the good or the lesson right away, but there is always some good or lesson or need for every situation. I will tell myself this daily and when doubts, worry or anxiety creep in, I will talk to my God and let him help me. I can't do things on my own, it is he who strengthens me and if I truly believe that (which I do) I need to lean on him more and trust him with everything, not just what's easy for me to trust him with.

So, from this point forward, he has everything in my life, that which I can't control, that which I want to control and that which I *think* I can control. It is a very freeing feeling and the anxiety attacks haven't happened since Thursday at all. I slept better Thursday night than I have in the past month. I can't control the outcome of my life, my friendships or my relationships, however I can trust that my God will love me, carry me, protect me, teach me and mold me and that's what I plan to do.

Thanks for listening for so long.


Andrea said...

Good for you Courtney...it is a hard thing to come to the place in life where we can (and will!) trust God with everything...it's even hard for me!!

Angela said...

yes just trust.

Life sure isn't easy